Trust?

Without being dramatic, the last twelve months of my life has been my own personal hell.

My mom is terminally ill, I faced my own illness that I could not treat until after I gave birth. All of it has been traumatizing beyond what anyone could imagine.

My doctors, therapists, everyone—they told me I needed to utilize a support system.

What do you do when life is “too much” for anyone to handle being my support system. Who do I rely on?

I lost a lot of people in the process of trying to figure out who was in my corner. I tried. I tried to appropriately reach out to others. Most often, they would vanish. The disclosure of my experiences were too much for anyone to support me.

Yes, I have had the support of my mom, my amazing cousin, and two kickass aunts. But locally, I have shed a lot of friends and peers. I make people uncomfortable with my reality.

I am afraid to reach out now. I am afraid to make friends. I am afraid to open up and be myself. The most obvious support systems in town that I thought I had (all but one friend) vanished in thin air.

I am having a difficult time navigating life mostly solo.

I am here, picking up the pieces of my reality. I never thought this would be how it went for me. I discovered that some of the people I thought so highly of really just did not like me. I was “too much”.

I was only trying to utilize a support system.

They called me a narcissist. Laughed at how much a burden I was when I was ill.

I am not that. I was fighting to survive the worst of the worst.

I am not sure what is going to happen next.

I am relearning how to be on my own. I never saw this being my life. But it is what it is.

I will continue to stand up on my own—I know I can. But damn it would be so much better to champion on with those who I thought loved me.

Do I hide my real self? So I am easier to be around? Do I hide my challenges?

I do not think I can do that, so for now I have to trust my own instincts and operate on my own for the time being. I do not know how long that will be. A while.

At least I am able to be creative again. At least I will be able to lift weights again soon. I am trying to stay positive while navigating the worst of the worst.

The trust in others may come back eventually.