Doing my Best
My best.
It is all I can do. I am comfortable knowing that this is all I can expect from myself.
I am doing my best right now. If I were to push myself any harder, I think I would drop dead from exhaustion.
My favorite time of day has changed over the span of the day depending on what crisis was currently unfolding..
When it was cancer, my favorite time of the day was nighttime. At that time, nighttime provided me comfort knowing that nothing I could do would change the following day or any part of the situation. I could give myself time to rest.
When I was sort of returning to the usual motions of life after the dust settled with the initial cancer diagnosis, my favorite time of day was very early in the morning. I would wake up at 3am daily. It was my time to practice art before I started my day job. It was the time of day I was comforted by the world being quiet.
While pregnant, I had so much going on with my entire world. I struggled all nine months. I lacked a favorite time of day in that period of time. I was so ill mentally and physically the whole time. I would wake up once an hour choking on my own vomit having a panic attack for hours it felt. I didn’t sleep more than a few hours at a time while pregnant. I did not have a favorite time. In fact, my least favorite time of the day was when it was dark out. It reminded me of how isolated I felt. It was a reminder of how I was suffering alone, how I could not reach out to anyone for help. Every night was the worst form of torture. This happened all nine months. Lack of sleep really hurt my mental health as did many other things.
None of that changes how I love my son. I chose to move forward with my pregnancy despite being given an option out. I suffered those nine whole months for him. He was worth every brutal day I endured. After a while, I felt alone because I felt him moving around inside me. I was comforted knowing we were both awake in the night. I was comforted that he was with me.
If this blog is still up whenever, and he happens to read this. I want him to know:
Son, I love you more than anything. I will move a mountain for you. I fought for both of us to live through those nine months. I will always fight for you. You have changed my life. You have reminded me to love the things I was losing touch with.
I am doing my best for you first. I hope you understand one day how I fight for you.
Everything right now is hard. I do not want to get out of bed—I sometimes feel paralyzed with fear of what life has in store for us. I want to cry all day about the challenges you and I are facing. With that said, when I am done crying privately in those brief moments I have alone, I am so focused on overcoming the challenges our family is facing right now. I am doing my best. I am doing my best for you baby boy. We will continue through this darkness together.
