Up Early.

I used to wake up at 3 or 4 am regularly. That was when I was balancing a full time job with my passions. I would wake up at 3am and sew until 8 am when I would log onto my work computer. Feels like forever ago, but it also feels like it was just yesterday.

The early morning brings me peace; no one is awake yet, but it does not have that same isolating feeling that nighttime brings me. I am still learning on how to depend on myself in those evening times. Frankly, I just go to bed mega early now to escape that.

I have a big day ahead of me. I have a doctor appointment and I also have a tattoo appointment (don’t tell my dad, he is actually staying with me at my house right now).

Speaking of which—my dad is at my house to help me with things. I have not seen him in years. There is an awful lot I can say about that. But it has actually gone well with him here. I never saw that happening.

We have a ton of differences. We also have a very complicated past relationship. But hey, never too late to come to peace with things. I am glad to start making peace with things. That whole issues used to be very troubling to me. I was troubled by so many aspects of our lives.

But things feel different now. Our time estranged may have actually been beneficial. Hard to explain, but in a way it feels like my boundaries have been heard for once. I am comforted by that.

I did not enjoy being in the state we were. As much as it was necessary, my heart was sad. We are taking progress one step at a time.

My dad hates tattoos, but surprisingly he has not said a word about the tattoos that cover my arms. He has not seen those ever. Last I saw him I only had a few. I appreciate the lack of comments.

I told him I had an appointment today—I did not tell him for what. It is a tattoo that I have wanted for the whole year. It carries significant weight in my heart. I am actually not getting it on my arms like the rest of my tattoos. That is the only part I am worried about. I always get them on my arms. Placement is up in the air but we will see how it goes. I am excited nonetheless.

I think it is fairly amusing that though so many people these days have tattoos, I am the only person on both sides of my family to have had that needle to the skin experience. I think that is such an odd thing that it is only me. I certainly am not the only creative person in the family. My sibling in their far off land is an artist. I have heard my favorite cousin express desire to practice some art. I hope she does. I hope everyone out there practices their inner creative. It is the best thing we can do in a confusing time in a confusing world.

Another early thought of mine—I have been having many dreams again. I would not exactly call them nightmares or even anxiety dreams—they are dreams of me going through the motions of life. Last evening, I dreamed of my time in the partial outpatient hospital program. It was group therapy basically. I had a dream I was leaving a session and I just could not find my car or the exit to the building. I have a lot of dreams now.

On one hand, I wish I did not dream. On the other, I find it special and unique that when I close my eyes it is almost like I am watching television. Some days I wake up and do not feel rested at all for that reason. Other times, I guess I sleep okay.

Either way—good morning world. I hope today is decent.