Just Smile.

Here I am. Wednesday night.

Took a nap—had more nightmares. Had one last night. I do not want to talk about them. But it is one of the more graphic dreams I have semi-regularly.

Here I am, wondering what is in store for me. Will my life that I worked so hard for, continue to crumble? Everything was too good to be true.

The last time I had a big issue managing my mental health was 2019. I was “good” for about six years without episode. I was forced off my medications while pregnant—it was challenging to me in so many ways that I am not sure if I can emphasize how challenging it was.

When I started to pull my life back together in 2019, one of the first thing I did was I started practicing toxic positivity. Folks did indeed like me more when I was not true to myself—I did not share the skeletons in the closet to anyone. Not until this year did I really get honest with what is up with me. It backfired.

So yes, here I am, Wednesday night. Pondering how the hell to fit in with other people. This isolation has been pretty hard for me. I do not want this all to be my identity, but what do I talk about? The weather?

I have wondered if I should revert back to that old self. I know it is a toxic mentality that will probably hurt me on the inside. This might have to be the route I take. Not because I want to feel better—I guess I have accepted my fate. Things are just falling and I am here letting it all fall. Plenty of things are out of my hands. I am trying to be gentle in this chaos, even when it is hard to do.

It is the only thing I can do is survive.

(This was written yesterday btw—I just forgot to post it)