A Light in the Darkness

Hi everyone. Sorry for the lack of blog posts last week. Things have been busy.

I can assure you that I am still “trying new things” in my lifestyle to keep myself busy. Things are not all bad on my Homefront.

This new chapter of myself is different.

I am not working my old job. I certainly can say that I have never gone this long without working a conventional 8-5. With that said, I still feel incredibly busy most days. Also very tired.

For the most part, I have not made any posts because I am tired. There are many things day to day that cause me to feel this way. My family life is pretty active now. There is a lot to do and I am grateful to say I am spending time with my loved ones. My mom has basically been living with me for the last two months. We bicker back and forth sometimes (the gal just had to help herself to my socks which made me mad today lol). But I love being able to see my mom this regularly. Old me would never think that I would feel this way. But yes, it is such a treat to have her around. She is my best friend.

I am lucky enough to have a close relationship with my cousin these days too. Funny enough we never really chatted all that often for the majority of my life until recently—when we were young the age difference felt huge. But now it feels like she is my older sister that I always wanted and we talk daily. I like that.

My baby is growing fast. In one week I think he doubled in size. He has peed and pooped on my mom god knows how many times. He smiled at me for the first time today. He has my shit-eating grin. I am proud of that. Total velcro baby, I really have not been able to get much else done than change diapers and feed that milk monster.

My son looks exactly like his father, but I think his temperament is all me. Between that smirk he gives me now (he also smiles in his sleep but that is just a baby reflex), and his very opinionated nature…he is my kid. The boy seems fairly mild mannered until you do something he is not a fan of. The apple does not fall very far from the tree.

One of the reasons I chose to be a mother was for my mother. Of course I chose to be a mother for my own personal reasons that I will keep close to my heart, I wanted to give my mom a grandchild while I could. I wanted to spoil my mom and give her that experience I know she always wanted. My heart feels full when I see my mom interacting with my son. She deserves that positivity.

Same goes with my grandma on my dad’s side; my grandpa passed in the last few years and that has been so hard on her. She too I wanted to give a bright light of life to.

My son is so strong and resilient, just like his mom. From the day I found out I was pregnant, I knew my child would carry a purpose. I knew he was here for a reason and it was my duty to carry that out. I knew fairly early on in my pregnancy how my son would be and I was not wrong. My son will stand with purpose. My son will be a light in the darkness. My son will love with all of his heart. And I know that when he is older that my son with stand up for others who need a voice. He will be strong and kind. Smart but not cocky. I am thrilled to have such a wonderful boy that I know is destined for greatness.

We read together, my son and I. He does not know all of the words (or frankly any words) to the books we read together. Some would say I should start with children’s books. That is a softball. We read nonfiction together.

My cats adore him. They stay out of his way and keep a polite distance. My eldest (cat) is his nanny. She usually does not sleep in bed with me, but when we snuggle together she is right there with us keeping him safe. I will never wish away my son’s life. I will never say “I can’t wait for this phase to be over”. Never. Even if it is all crying and poop from the two of us.

I am so proud of him. He scoots around a little bit while he tries to crawl. He makes very expressive faces just like me. I know he will be defiant, outspoken when he needs to be, and witty. Oddly enough I am looking forward to him sassing me. I want my son to always feel comfortable standing up for himself and his wants. I want him to be his own person—original, authentic, and unapologetic. That is my son.

I missed a lot of time in his very short existence for various reasons. The hospital yes, but there were other barriers keeping me from him. It was hard and I dreamed about my son almost every night.

When I was handed my son for the first time I cried with joy. My tears thus far on my turbulent journey have been from sadness and pain. I cried with joy because I felt myself crossing a finish line of sorts. I was with him and he with me.

While apart, I did get a tattoo. It was for my son. The time lost that weighed so heavily on my heart. But it was for the bond that we had while he was in my belly. It was for that time he was away. And the connection that we had and always will have.

My baby boy you are my light in a seemingly very dark world. You are my light in the darkness. I love you.

For my son.