Learned Habits

Sometimes taking photos is not exactly a fun thing to do when moments get complicated. There were periods on and off last year when I felt comfortable taking pictures of life.

I take pictures of my day and of myself to keep track. I keep track of what I did each day, to preserve special memories, to help me actually see my own body change and strengthen when I am able to be physically active.

I have not taken so many photos recently, but I am getting back to it. Silly selfies, pictures of skylines, and random parts of my day I captured to send to a loved one have all been areas working back into my life.

Prioritizing my health recently has been good for me. I look brighter, fuller, stronger. I have been prioritizing skin care, working in my creative space, and I have exciting things on the horizon for my career moving forward.

I pick at my hair, skin, and face less now—they were all anxious habits of mine for some time. When I was in a place not as good as now, I would rip the skin off my lips multiple times a day. It did hurt and it was gross yes. I did not enjoy doing either of those things, but I had an issue with keeping my hands busy. Other times I nervously play with my hair or break the ends off. That is also a habit I hate that I do. Growing my hair out is impossible if I continuously damage it. My hair is longer now than it was for the last five years which might be why I do not damage it anymore. Maybe I am just going in a direction that needs to be gone down. It is all off and on, but I am doing my best to keep it off.

I did dye my hair dark again. I will say goodbye to the red hair for now. I dyed it closer to my natural color as a way to return to baseline. My weight thankfully has also returned to equilibrium. Back a few weeks ago I looked very meek and small. I recorded myself doing some creative work a month ago, when I look back at it now I am shocked how thin I was. Weightlifting has helped me gain back healthy weight. Every day I see myself in the mirror; I am proud to see the woman I see looking back.

Starting or returning to good habits after a long break of self-care is not easy. I cannot say I am perfect with all my habits, but I am doing okay. It is still too easy for me to forget to drink water and some other things of such nature. I got a smart watch a handful of weeks ago to better track my health’s progress (it tracks some interesting things). A lot of areas look decent these days. My sleep schedule is weird yes, but according to my watch my sleep quality is better. Things like that have improved.

I made myself a meal and actually cooked a few times like I used to—cooking has felt more like a chore than a fun activity for a while. I miss those lavish meals I used to make frequently; I hope to return to that.

There are training wheels on this thing we call life. I am doing my best to work with the training wheels so I can eventually return to status quo in a few spaces.

Some of the music I listen to is new, some old.

I am off all social media and I have not watched anything on the television in a while. It is almost daunting to turn on the tv. I cannot explain it, but I have always had an issue checking in on some things. I was always atrocious at checking and opening my mail. Still am.

My awful attention span is fairly decent. Many moments in life previously I just felt mentally and emotionally drained. My dopamine receptors are probably growing back from the lack of social media and television. Staying in a hospital for a while with nothing to do and no phone felt like going cold-turkey on my dopamine receptors. I think I am saying that correct?

My brain is still tired from the stressors of life, but with that said I am operating fairly well. Life has work to do, but I am okay with doing work.

This is why I am taking photos again. There are so many photos I am fond of in my phone library. And I love them more than anything.